I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
