we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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