I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We're too hungover to prance.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
