I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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