Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
