We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
