I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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