just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
