Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
