no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
