somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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