There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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