Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We are all done wearing pants today
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
