At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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