Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
