I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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