I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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