You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
