I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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