Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I have demons in me.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
