Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish you could order shots online.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
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