Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I love you. Go after that dick
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
