My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
