I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
