My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
do nipples grow back?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
