I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
