Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
