So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
