just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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