Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
