who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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