Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
