Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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