There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
