i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
