I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
