i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
