Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
