It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
