my shit smells like andre
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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