people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
