I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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