John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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