I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
