oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
