Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
