I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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