I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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