Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
