We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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