I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
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