my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
