I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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