The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
