it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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