hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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