I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
