I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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